Fear Island (2009) - Michael Storey

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A bunch of privileged American teens go to party on a remote Island cabin; you have Haylie Duff, Aaron 'brother of Iceman from the X-men films' Ashmore, some eye candy in Lucy Hale and another who likes showing her cleavage as well as the traditional alpha male tossers added to the mix. Something happens.....and we start the film afterwards with Duff's character being found alone in the woods by the police and questioned as to what happened to her friends who are either missing or dead. She claims to have amnesia, even not knowing her name, so a psychiatrist is called in and together with a typical well-worn-detective-with-a-troubled-past-that-shares-parallels-with-the-current-case, help her piece together her memory to find answers...

Now obviously my expectations are pretty low here anyway, considering the type of film it was but this managed to miss even those low, low standards. I'm expecting some gratuitous nudity/boobs, some gory deaths and a plot that kind of hangs together, even if barely but was left disappointed on all counts. The rest of the review has spoilers but that shouldn't matter since there is no way in hell you should see this film.

The story is told via flashbacks as Duff's character pieces together what happens; though with an unreliable narrator you have to pick and chose how accurate she is being. The acting is poor across the board and the actions of the characters make little to no sense. You're actively rooting for whoever/whatever is out there to kill these smug, unlikeable twats in as gruesome a fashion as possible. Unfortunately when death does come, it comes pretty boring and unimaginatively, though there was one, unintentionally hilarious snake death scene.

The twist is something you'll spot at least 1/3 of the film such is it's obviousness. You stare in disbelief as they pull a Keyser Söze on us. Comparing Duff's performance against Spacey (hey, the film invites the comparisons) is mind-boggling as she hits marks/certain lines in a......well, scary, OTT manner that makes it seem either her character is a)crazy or b) wants to get caught but is so shocked at how no one is picking it up she goes [i]even more obvious[/i] trying to get through and still they're not catching on :uhoh: . Also, in real life, since she gives her real name any proper background check would surely have rubbished her story and she wouldn't have just been let go like that. Martin Cummins who plays the detective, who you'll recognise immediately if you watch any American sci-fi/prematurely cancelled shows, looks constantly frustrated as if he's wondering what has my agent signed me up to? and it's taking all my concentration not to burst out laughing at Hayley Duff. I sympaphise with him as I was constantly aghast at Duff and her weird looking face.

This is a pretty awful film, which criminally for an exploitation/teen horror lacks any sense of humour, any tension or scares or any needless nudity.

2/10

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