Werewolves suck- Red Riding Hood

Remember the story of Red Riding Hood? Well, Catherine Hardwicke doesn’t. Nor does the writer of the film, which as a whole can be summed up as a manifesto of why there are not that many female movie directors. Most of them suck.

Red Riding Hood is Twilight without the vampires. The producers still save money on the special effects and the operator is still daydreaming flying around some open spaced locations with his automatically set wide angle camera. The writer is still aware that teenage girls (the only target audience) will be satisfied as long as there’s a hot (doubtfully in this case) guy in the film and as long as the main lead doesn’t close her mouth fully.

Catherine Hardwicke is seriously a one big lazy director. There are no reason for most of the shots and it’s just completely random where a scene begins or ends. It’s really not that I hate her. I really liked Thirteen and I thought it was a strong, intense and smart coming-of-age film that however extreme was easy to identify with. So back in days there was potential in Hardwicke, but it seems like instead of gaining experience and knowledge, she turned into a thirteen year old herself. Unfortunately for us, this thirteen year old has money to make her dream boyfriends come true.

Leonardo di Caprio produced Red Riding Hood. Just so you know that there are temptations to avoid. Gary Oldman is in it too. But all of his fans should just keep their money in their pockets because the fact that he’s in it, doesn’t mean he acts in it. Gary Oldman decided to change his voice (as usual) and just read the lines aloud.

trying to escape the set

It’s time to reveal the horrors of the plot.

Red Riding Hood could have been a literal, and thus brutally realistic adaptation of the well known fairy tale. Instead it is a story of Valerie, a brave rabbit killer. Valerie is in love with Peter, who I guess is supposed to be a hot guy in the movie.

is it just me or....

Peter and Valerie have been hanging out and killing poor rabbits for over ten years and at the time we meet them, they are passionately stalking each other and planning to escape on two grey horses. However, their affair is interrupted by the appearance of wolf (sucks). The wolf kills Valerie’s sister and because the lose of sibling doesn’t deliver enough drama, she finds out she has been promised to Henry, another hot guy of the movie. She doesn’t want to marry Henry, because she loves Peter, but on the other hand Peter wants all best for her and says it’s better for her if she marries Henry. Sounds familiar? Not yet? Ok. Henry is friendly, carrying and loving, and Peter is mysterious and pretty much an asshole to her.

Peter...Pet...Pat...Pattinson?

But what about the wolf? All the men in Valerie’s village decide to hunt the wolf, but it quickly turns out that they killed the wrong one. It’s not just a wolf they are looking for. It’s werewolf.

close enough...

After the villagers fail to kill the beast, Gary Oldman visits them in order to help. Basically, he’s an asshole to everyone and doesn’t really help with the werewolf. Instead he becomes a leader of some kind of nazi movement against ginger and mentally disabled people whom he kills in a home made gas chamber (I’m serious).

combo

The night the villagers decide to celebrate (again...even though it wasn’t the right wolf they killed), Valerie and her friends get stuck in the barn with the werewolf. And that’s when Red Riding Hood beats all three Twilight films in its crappiness. The werewolf speaks to Valerie. It goes like this:
Werewolf: You shall remain in the village with me and don’t you dare escape with your boyfriend.
Valerie: OMFG you talk?

She also notices that the wolf has brown eyes and from then on, she accuses everyone with brown eyes of being a werewolf. The only problem is....

Everybody in the village has brown eyes....sucks...

The point of the story I guess is to find out who the wolf is. The problem is, it’s not really interesting when we finally find out. It’s like finding out that this guy

is Luke Skywalker’s father. What difference does it make?

I have great urge to spoil the whole film for you, because it’s just so not worth watching, but it’s not worth wasting my time on summarising it either. All in all it’s a horrible film that just uses the fairy tale’s title in order to appeal to more people. It has nothing to do with anything to be honest. It works only as the worse version of Twilight. Beware!