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Empire Records (1995)

Pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen. But strangely compelling in its absolute awfulness. Quite likely the blandest, shittiest soundtrack of all time. Toad the Wet Sprocket? Fucking hell.

Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)

Robin Williams, and anyone who likes this movie, should be killed. For the good of humanity.

Mac and Me (1988)

Unbelievably horrible. Just awful in every way.

Just One of the Guys (1985)

So awful it's actually painful to watch.

A Guy Thing (2003)

Bad on a catastrophic level. Bad, bad, bad, stinky awful bad. Zero chemistry between the leads. No discernable reason for them to like each other. No discernable reason for the audience to like any of them. Diarrhea jokes. Bad.

Harvard Man (2001)

So painfully awful, so awfully painful.

The Anniversary Party (2001)

It's really hard to see people I like (John C. Reilly, Jane Adams, Parker Posey) involved in this dreck. Self-indulgent garbage. Painful to watch. Every character is utterly detestable. And maybe that was the point, but if I don't care about the characters, then I sure don't want to watch their stupid lives. One gets the feeling that Cumming and Leigh meant this to be a scathing commentary on people they know, but I bet there's more of themselves in this than they're willing to let on.

Sweet Movie (1974)

Utterly retarded. The kind of film that hipster college sophomores "discover" and declare as brilliant social satire while they pretend to find meaning in the most inane non-sequiturs. Cheap gross-out tricks and dime store symbolism. But worst of all, pervaded with a philosophy of "look at me, I'm so different! I dare to BREAK THE RULES!" A willingness to break rules is always an asset, but when that's your raison d'etre, then you're just as much a slave to the rules as anyone else.

Clue: The Movie (1985)

One of my most hated movies ever. I don't know who decided that funny = CONSTANT manic shouting and histrionics, but it's unbelievably annoying and difficult to withstand.

Triple X (2002)

Welcome to the shit zone.

Spy Kids 3: Game Over (2003)

Rushes too quickly into the game world and bombards you with nonstop 3D nonsense in one pointless game sequence after another. There's a severe lack of emotional involvement, and the brother-sister dynamic is sorely missed. Carmen doesn't even show up until halfway through the film, and even after that, they barely talk to each other. And Sylvester Stallone is awful. He needs to stay away from comedy, because he is utterly incapable of being funny. And the movie makes no sense at all.

Limelight (1952)

I may be no fan of Chaplin's brand of physical comedy, but I find it infinitely preferable to the unbearable narcissism of Limelight. What a load of pretentious piffle. I watched most of it at double, or quadruple, speed. Even the Keaton-Chaplin collaboration disappoints. Poor Buster is given little to do except fiddle endlessly with his sheet music and trod on a violin. What a waste.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Not the least bit scary, totally cliched and predictable. Here's what was cool about the original movie: the slow exploration of the room full of bones, the oddball humor, the sheer insanity and sense of hopelessness during the dinner table scene, the wheelchair guy you couldn't wait to see get killed. This remake has none of that.

Jurrasic Park (1993)

Spielberg at his most idiotic. Poop and snot gags, for Christ's sake. We're supposed to care about and be scared for the precious darling little children, but I was praying they'd get killed. As if the kiddies weren't annoying enough, the other characters were equally irritating, and paper thin. And don't get me started on John Williams' syrupy score, the orchestra swelling every chance it got, telling you how to react to every single moment of the film.

The Clansman (1915)

Of course I knew this was going to be racist, but whoa. This is the most racist and vile thing I've ever seen. It's simply jaw-dropping. I can appreciate what the movie means to film history (and I have to admit it was even entertaining to a degree), but holy shit. A monument to hate, ignorance, lies, and bigotry.

Wild Speed X2 (2003)

2 Stupid. Some of the worst dialogue I've heard in a long time. I think they say "bro" about 1000 times.

Throw Momma from the Train (1987)

Can we throw them ALL from the train?