All About Steve: Not Even Worthy Enough to Roast

For the record, I had no initial intention of watching All About Steve, which earned Sandra Bullock a Razzie for Worst Actress in the same year she won an Oscar for Best Actress for The Blind Side. I knew it would probably be beyond stupid, even possibly painful to watch. Yet, some friends of mine rented it with the intention of accepting it as nothing but bad and, therefore, making it the perfect candidate film to watch and roast. On that premise, I agreed to join in on the potential hilarity. The trouble is, All About Steve is so earnest in its poor construction, even the roasting of it seems to be piling on the pathetic quality of this film.

Bullock plays Mary Horowitz, a crossword puzzle creator who has an encyclopedic mind and a painful social awkwardness that has rendered her perpetually single. Her parents (Howard Hesseman and Beth Grant) set Mary up on a blind date with Steve (Bradley Cooper), a CNN cameraman (no explanation that I remember indicating how her parents might have come by such an association). The date itself lasts, perhaps, ten minutes (after Mary pathetically throws herself at Steve), but Mary's affections last for much longer. Convinced that she and Steve are meant to be together, Mary follows Steve to a series of high profile media events in the hopes of nurturing Steve's requited love for her and egged on by the roving reporter Hartman Hughes (Thomas Haden Church), who seems to enjoy making Steve suffer. In her travels, Mary meets other misfits who accept her at face value, while Steve does everything he can to run away from her, to catastrophic results for all concerned.

This film tries hard to be funny. Really really hard. It tries so hard, it fails miserably. The film also tries to offer a message, something akin to loving oneself and accepting oneself for who one is. The problem is, Mary is never lovable, sympathetic, empathetic, or even comedic in her lack of love, sympathy, and empathy. She's just a very sad, very smart, very lonely woman chasing after a clueless cameraman, who's really not that much of a catch. It's equal parts heartbreaking and vomit-inducing.

It's hard to know if Bullock's performance was the worst of the year because it's not like she had great material to work with. The premise of the film, at its base, is utterly creepy, and its heroine is so desperate and strange, it's hard to root for her and sad to laugh at her. Even roasting the film or the character seems like a hopeless exercise because a character as sad and pitiable as Mary does not really deserve the clever glee of an insult as much as she deserves a lethal injection to put her out of her misery.

What's worse, the film has no other redeeming quality, save for its saccharine, trite message. None of the other actors are funny, either. Bradley Cooper is an odd choice for a man to be stalked; his equally non-charming personality renders the whole proceeding that much more lamentable.

This experience provides a good lesson then, folks. Knowingly bad movies may not be worth the watch, even if the viewing is for roasting purposes only. Sometimes, a film is just that bad. So, not unexpectedly, I rate this film a 2 on the patented ratings scale for Bad. I don't normally watch 2 movies, and I should probably stick with my tradition in the future. Obviously "2" movies don't pass any test, either. I wish I could have found a reason or gumption to roast this movie, but its inherent, earnest, unflinching badness really just takes the wind out of one's sails.